Here, let me help you (some more eHarmony "don'ts")*
You poor, sweet single man.
First of all, I applaud you for putting yourself out there. Lord knows creating that profile is no joke. It takes far more time and effort than many realize to masterfully craft a webpage which accurately highlights the charms of your looks and personality while simultaneously masking your insecurities and whatever potential downfalls may have led up to the fact that you're still single and looking for love on the internet.**
I'm sure you worked super hard to make your profile internet-ready, and who knows? There might be some women out there who absolutely love that photoshopped image of you holding a tropical umbrella drink with multicolored butterflies framing the four corners (referenced image not included in order to protect the embarrassed).
But can I offer you some advice?***
1. When eHarmony asks you to list "Four Things You Can't Live Without," maybe don't list "sex" right before you list "God." (Though I'm glad you recognize your inability to survive without your Creator. Or perhaps you think because you listed Him within your top 4, I'm more likely to offer you item number 3? Not. Gonna. Happen.)
2. Where it prompts you to list your profession, don't just put "good job." Without specifics, I'm automatically dubious.****
3. The part that asks about the last book you read? Yea, it's actually wanting you to list a title, not just vaguely describe the subject matter, so perhaps don't put something as generic as "some book about God."
4. I'm so glad you included pictures of you and your friends, however might I suggest you don't blur out their faces like an episode of Cops? So many different kinds of creepy.
5. If your mom made your profile for you because she's so convinced you're the latest, greatest undiscovered dreamboat just waiting to make some girl so happy*****, don't let her reveal that fact in your profile. Cut the apron strings, my friend. It's way past time.
6. Despite the impression this blog may give you, I'm actually pretty open minded. There's a good chance if I meet you and we have at least some degree of chemistry, I might be able to overlook your weird obsession with live action role play or trading card games. But I'll be honest: it will improve your odds significantly if you don't list "Pokemon" as one of your greatest passions...
7. On a more serious note: after I've taken the time to explicitly discuss my boundaries and desire to move slow, for the love of God don't attempt to kiss me. I might just have a panic attack about how violated I feel and throw up after.******
8. Absolutely do not make your main profile picture (and only photo) a meme of a half-loaded afro.
9. And finally, don't post pictures of yourself riding mythical creatures if you're unwilling to give any sort of explanation. You know who you are.
*This post is based entirely off of my own true experiences (you guys, I can't make this stuff up)
**Yeah, I went there. But only as a fellow compatriot in this bizarrebattle dating scene.
***This is, of course, a rhetorical question. As the title of this blog indicates, I fully intend to publicly shame you.
****Although let's be honest here, 99.9% of all men on eHarmony are engineers anyways, so I don't blame you for wanting to stand out somehow. And at least you listing "good job" is better than the guy who actually specified his career as "sausage maker."
*****Spoken in my best "Bobby's World" mid-western accent
******True story.
First of all, I applaud you for putting yourself out there. Lord knows creating that profile is no joke. It takes far more time and effort than many realize to masterfully craft a webpage which accurately highlights the charms of your looks and personality while simultaneously masking your insecurities and whatever potential downfalls may have led up to the fact that you're still single and looking for love on the internet.**
I'm sure you worked super hard to make your profile internet-ready, and who knows? There might be some women out there who absolutely love that photoshopped image of you holding a tropical umbrella drink with multicolored butterflies framing the four corners (referenced image not included in order to protect the embarrassed).
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1. When eHarmony asks you to list "Four Things You Can't Live Without," maybe don't list "sex" right before you list "God." (Though I'm glad you recognize your inability to survive without your Creator. Or perhaps you think because you listed Him within your top 4, I'm more likely to offer you item number 3? Not. Gonna. Happen.)
2. Where it prompts you to list your profession, don't just put "good job." Without specifics, I'm automatically dubious.****
3. The part that asks about the last book you read? Yea, it's actually wanting you to list a title, not just vaguely describe the subject matter, so perhaps don't put something as generic as "some book about God."
4. I'm so glad you included pictures of you and your friends, however might I suggest you don't blur out their faces like an episode of Cops? So many different kinds of creepy.
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6. Despite the impression this blog may give you, I'm actually pretty open minded. There's a good chance if I meet you and we have at least some degree of chemistry, I might be able to overlook your weird obsession with live action role play or trading card games. But I'll be honest: it will improve your odds significantly if you don't list "Pokemon" as one of your greatest passions...
7. On a more serious note: after I've taken the time to explicitly discuss my boundaries and desire to move slow, for the love of God don't attempt to kiss me. I might just have a panic attack about how violated I feel and throw up after.******
8. Absolutely do not make your main profile picture (and only photo) a meme of a half-loaded afro.
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*This post is based entirely off of my own true experiences (you guys, I can't make this stuff up)
**Yeah, I went there. But only as a fellow compatriot in this bizarre
***This is, of course, a rhetorical question. As the title of this blog indicates, I fully intend to publicly shame you.
****Although let's be honest here, 99.9% of all men on eHarmony are engineers anyways, so I don't blame you for wanting to stand out somehow. And at least you listing "good job" is better than the guy who actually specified his career as "sausage maker."
*****Spoken in my best "Bobby's World" mid-western accent
******True story.
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