A Summary of My Job Search So Far...

  1. All the jobs I actually want are unpaid positions and would require me to raise financial support (again). 
  2. All the paid positions either offer shockingly low pay or are in locations I just can't stomach to live in anymore.

What is it saying about me that I'd much rather live in a hut somewhere in Ecuador than a house in my own home town?* 

Last night, I spent a solid half-hour perusing the Peace Corps website.**

I've applied to nearly a dozen jobs, sent twice as many inquiry emails, and come up short on all accounts.  

There are wonderful opportunities for me abroad.  My skin prickles with excitement just thinking about them.  My heart races.  My fingers itch to write blogs about experiences I haven't even had yet.  People I haven't met.  Children I haven't held.  Food I haven't tasted.  Communities I haven't invested in.  Families I haven't prayed over.  Churches I haven't worshipped with.  Love I haven't shared...yet.

But it appears none of these opportunities come with a paycheck.  How long am I supposed to continue this excruciatingly humbling trend of seeking financial support for...everything?

I'm torn between my very real need to pay my bills, and my overwhelming desire to serve. 
I fear my concerns over having my earthly needs met are hindering my vigor for dedicating my life to God. 

Everyday I pray He will help me to set aside pride, and trust in His purpose for me and His ability to bring that purpose to life (despite all my human limitations). But at the same time, I pray my heart for adventure won't overshadow my willingness to listen to His call.  I want to discern His vision from my own curiosity.

It has been so beautifully refreshing for me to share my heart for ministry with the handful of Christian organizations I have been communicating with lately.  I've loved being able to talk openly about what I feel the Lord is calling me to do.  I love that phone interviews end with prayers and cover letters begin with praises.  I just want a position where I can do that. Where I can share my passion for the Gospel and offer encouragement from the Author of hope.

And I just want to do it full time. And get paid a decent wage for it. I mean really, is that so much to ask?  

Then I remind myself: even Paul was a tentmaker. This isn't really about the money. It's a matter of the heart.

There you have it: I seriously go through this process at least twice every. single. day.  It's exhausting (to say the least), and usually results in me throwing a blanket over my head like a child and trying to make it all go away.

In the meantime, anyone know of a job where I can get paid just to hold and wear babies in a Baby Bjorn all day?
Turns out I'm kinda good at it...
(^) Think I can work this skill into my resume?
*Before any of you take offense to that statement, I will remind you that I adamantly defended Oregon's capitol for the majority of my life...right up until I finally moved out of it and discovered the glory that is Portlandia

** Joelle, don't pass out.  I said "perusing" not "registering for service".


Lea said…
I can empathize with you on the job search that turns into nothing, the determination to get a job that matters - if to no one but yourself - and the idea of holding out as long as possible for the job that doesn't make you physically and emotionally ill. I can also empathize with the fact of life that sometimes, you just HAVE to have a paying job, because the bills don't pay themselves and the dog can't earn her own food. Not that knowing other people feel your frustration/pain/tears helps, but sometimes it does a little.