Dear Future Husband (love letter edition)

DO write me love letters.  I promise that even if they are scribbled onto the back of a grocery receipt, I will cherish your handwritten words.

But maybe, just maybe, DON'T write to me about bugs.

I am fully aware of my status as a somewhat hopeless romantic, and I just pray that someday, somewhere I will meet someone who loves me enough to do some of the sappy sweet things my heart so desperately craves.  However, I want to clarify that even I have my limits, and if you are considering trying out for the role, you don't need to be like this guy...

dear samantha
i’m sorry
we have to get a divorce
i know that seems like an odd way to start a love letter but let me explain:
it’s not you
it sure as hell isn’t me
it’s just human beings don’t love as well as insects do
i love you.. far too much to let what we have be ruined by the failings of our species

i saw the way you looked at the waiter last night
i know you would never DO anything, you never do but..
i saw the way you looked at the waiter last night

did you know that when a female fly accepts the pheromones put off by a male fly, it re-writes her brain, destroys the receptors that receive pheromones, sensing the change, the male fly does the same. when two flies love each other they do it so hard, they will never love anything else ever again. if either one of them dies before procreation can happen both sets of genetic code are lost forever. now that… is dedication.

after Elizabeth and i broke up we spent three days dividing everything we had bought together
like if i knew what pots were mine like if i knew which drapes were mine somehow the pain would go away

this is not true

after two praying mantises mate, the nervous system of the male begins to shut down
while he still has control over his motor functions
he flops onto his back, exposing his soft underbelly up to his lover like a gift
she then proceeds to lovingly dice him into tiny cubes
spooning every morsel into her mouth
she wastes nothing
even the exoskeleton goes
she does this so that once their children are born she has something to regurgitate to feed them
now that.. is selflessness

i could never do that for you

so i have a new plan
i’m gonna leave you now
i’m gonna spend the rest of my life committing petty injustices
i hope you do the same
i will jay walk at every opportunity
i will steal things i could easily afford
i will be rude to strangers
i hope you do the same
i hope reincarnation is real
i hope our petty crimes are enough to cause us to be reborn as lesser creatures
i hope we are reborn as flies
so that we can love each other as hard as we were meant to.

—Jared Singer, “An Entomologist’s Last Love Letter”  

via

Although, if you wanted to do something like this at our wedding, I'd probably be okay with that.  Just sayin...

(^ it's worth watching the whole thing, but if you want to skip ahead to about 10:30, that's when I obviously started crying)

Love,
Your adoring future wife