This is what happens when Pride calls Humility over for a little dose of reality...

I've been struggling with patience lately.


Like...seriously struggling.

It's a combination of things: stress, hormones, stress, tempter tantrums (some of them mine), stress, sleep deprivation, stress, poor communication, stress, fear, stress.

And also stress.

Like, so much stress, even my mother - who lives in an entirely different STATE and hasn't actually heard my voice in WEEKS - could sense it.  She randomly* sent me this text today:

I wish I could say I've handled this struggle gracefully.  I suppose I have, at times.  But there have also been times like yesterday, when I actually started a sentence with this obnoxiously prideful statement:

"I have an effing MASTERS DEGREE!  I think I know a thing or two about ______!" 

Ugly, right?  Wanna know something even more awful?  I didn't edit my cursing when I actually said the sentence out loud.

Guys, this is NOT me.  It's not my heart.  More importantly, it's not the Father's Heart for me.

Almost as quickly as those words left my mouth, I felt convicted and humbled.  I was struck by this slap-in-the-face realization that ultimately, this just isn't about me.

As in: LIFE isn't about me.

There's something much bigger, much better, much more eternal and perfect and beautiful and holy going on here.  And if I could just set my silly pride aside for even a minute, I might be lucky enough to catch a glimpse of what that something is.

Currently, I'm job hunting. My tenure as Auntie America is coming to a close and it's time for me to go back "home" (wherever that is) and finally put the aforementioned masters degree to good work.  I'll admit it: this process is terrifying for me - mostly because I've personally and publicly committed to following His will for my life, and I've asked for prayers for courage to be obedient.  Period.  No caveats.  No conditions.  Sheer, brave, honest, faithful, obedience.

But lately, I just feel a little bit like I'm grasping as straws.  For months now I've been eagerly awaiting my trip back to Portland. To my friends.  My church.  My community.

So why is it that in the past week I've applied for positions in Colorado, California, and Tennessee?  And why on earth am I currently seriously considering a 6 month position in Haiti?**

Trying to decipher which of these opportunities are from God and which are just...opportunities...is exhausting, to say the least.  And yet, I can't shake the sense that there is something beautifully transformative going on here.

Lord, help me to glorify You through this process. I want to be real and I want to be honest about my struggles and my fears, but the F-word?  Well that sure isn't doing either of us any good.

Thanks for praying, you all.  I sure as heck need it.

Love you.  Seriously.

P.S. Here's an adorable picture of Cadence.  Just because it makes me smile.

*Okay so maybe it wasn't actually random, because just maybe God knows how completely and utterly stubborn I am and also maybe He understands that words are my love language, and so maybe He used this kind text from my momma to remind me of this truth during a moment of near-panic.

**None of this is to say God's purpose for my life might not be right in the heart of SE Portland, either.  Just because I've opened doors in other cities (and potentially another continent) doesn't mean He won't close them.  I trust in His ability to use me wherever I go.